Please Stop Asking Women When They Are Going to Have A Baby
- Lauren Catron
- Oct 19, 2020
- 13 min read
Trigger Warning: In this blog post I share with you my experience of miscarriage.
Reader discretion is advised.
I have gone back and forth on whether or not to share this personal story with you. But for me, writing has been therapeutic and has helped me through the grieving process; plus what kind of mommy blogger would I be if I didn't share the good, the bad, and the ugliness of motherhood? I ask you to be sensitive, and nonjudgmental. And for mothers out there who have gone through this journey, you are not alone.
In fact, I have discovered that one in four women have had a miscarriage. Think of the women in your lives. While some may choose not to speak about it whether they feel its too painful or too shameful - trust me, I understand - there are others who may want to talk about it, but the topic is considered taboo and private. Older generations may even look down upon me for sharing such a sensitive topic, but I don't care. When searching the internet for "is this normal?" "what does a miscarriage feel like?" "how long does this last?" the list goes on, all I found was clinical information. While that information was helpful in the beginning, I also needed someone to help personalize it. I needed to know that the mental, emotional, and physical pain were real. I needed to know my feelings were valid.
My Plan versus God's Plan
I've always been a planner. I blame it on my generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). Planning is how I feel I can keep control of things. So like many other things in my life, I had in my head the perfect plan for baby number two. I had been tracking my cycle using an app called Ovia. I had a goal in mind 👶 and pretty much knew how the process worked. With Henry, we got pregnant right away so I figured history would repeat itself. I had already envisioned it in my head:
September 28th - Our six year anniversary of being a couple. I would surprise Drew with the news of our exciting new addition.
October 10th - My parents 45th wedding anniversary. We would share the news of our sweet baby with our families.
November 15th - My 32nd birthday, and coincidentally, I would have been around 11 weeks pregnant. We would share with the world our great news.
I'd be pregnant through the holidays, and not the hot summer months, thank God! And then come early June we'd welcome our sweet baby into the world.
Well, obviously that is not what happened, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this blog post. How's the saying go? "We plan, God laughs." While I don't think God is laughing at me, I do believe He has a different plan in store.
Trusting My Gut (Guys, feel free to skip this part if necessary)
I've always been pretty in tune with my body. I've also always had a pretty strong intuition when something isn't right.
First a little background information. I hadn't had a period in over three and a half years. Yes, you read that right. Birth control, pregnancy, breastfeeding and then back on birth control. So I knew coming off of birth control, my cycle would be wacky. A few weeks after getting off the pill, I had my period. Or at least I thought I did... Come to find out, it was what the medical profession calls withdrawal bleeding. Withdrawal bleeding is the monthly bleeding women experience while using a hormonal birth control method, such as the pill. While it can feel like menstrual bleeding, withdrawal bleeding is not actually the same thing as a period.
Fast forward through the juicy details, around the time of ovulation, I started to spot. Good, great, spotting = implantation bleeding. We had succeeded! Despite the spotting, I decided to take a pregnancy test almost a week and a half earlier than my app had suggested. I took one in the evening and saw two faded pink lines. I remember trying to do the math, had I missed the five-minute window of an accurate test? I always hated the pink dye tests, but they are cheap. I went to bed knowing my life was about to change; I just didn't know how.
The next day, I rushed to Target and got a digital test. The great thing about digital tests is they can pick up any small amounts of hCG in your urine. The bad thing about digital tests is they can pick up any small amounts of hCG in your urine. Human chorionic gonadotropin or hCG is the pregnancy hormone produced from cells in the placenta.
I quickly ran into the bathroom at work, watched the "bread crumbs" on the tiny screen and boom. "PREGNANT." I was over the moon. I wanted to run to Drew. I wanted to call my mom. But, I learned quickly with my pregnancy with Henry, I needed to make the announcement more special. Also, in the back of my mind I felt that something wasn't right. I pushed those thoughts aside and started planning how I would tell Drew. This was a week earlier than my "plan," so I wasn't exactly prepared. I needed to make it perfect.
As I lay in bed that night, I researched.. "what does a implantation bleeding look like?" "is it normal to spot this long?" The whole time the word "miscarriage" in my brain. I kept pushing it back.
The next morning, I was still spotting. This was now going on day 10. I took another pregnancy test - damn these things are expensive - and again, the digital test showed a positive. I was fine; everything was going to be fine. More research suggested otherwise. The more I read, the more concerned I became. You should talk to your doctor about any type of bleeding during pregnancy. So, I called my OBGYN and explained the situation. The nurse called me back and wondered how I knew I was even pregnant. It was too early. She wanted to draw lab and check my levels of hCG. With that appointment set up, I went head and made a second trip to Target to get a cute baby onesie, baby booties, and one more pregnancy test.
I was able to put together a cute little box with the items to surprise Drew. At first he was really confused as to why I was giving him a present. As soon as he opened it, he was really excited. I did tell him about the spotting, and that they wanted to check my labs, but I think everything will be ok. That night we went to Kris & Kates to celebrate with some ice cream.
Unfortunately, the spotting continued for another two days. I started to experience some other symptoms including tender breasts, nausea, and bloating. Ok, I thought this is good I'm having symptoms.
But then I wasn't. The word "miscarriage" popped up in my head again. I think by now I knew in my gut and in my heart that was what was happening. I went to my appointment down in Kansas City. They drew some lab and I was on my way. As I was about 10 minutes outside of St. Joe, the nurse called. To be honest, I don't remember much of the conversation other than that my hCG levels were "extremely low," and that re-occurring word "miscarriage." She told me we could retest in a few days, but I already knew. My main concern was how was I going to tell Drew? I had made such a big deal about this baby, and now I had to tell him I was losing it. I cried the rest of the way home.
For the next couple of weeks I had my lab repeated three more times. My hCG levels were fluctuating like crazy. Was I pregnant? Was I not pregnant? The digital test kept saying yes, but my lab was all over the place. As were my emotions.
You feel empty. You feel like a complete failure. Had I done something wrong? Did I drink too much caffeine? Is there something in my diet? Weight? Body? Was it because I was still breastfeeding? It's hard to explain it unless you've been there. You feel broken and it's easy to see how people could spiral quickly.
After a few more labs, my OBGYN wanted me to come in for an ultrasound, just to get a better idea of what was going on; with my lab levels, they were worried about an ectopic pregnancy. She confirmed what I knew to be true, I was having a miscarriage. In fact, my paperwork called it a "complete abortion." Ugh, what an awful term. Both my doc and the ultrasound tech were very comforting. (Thanks to COVID, I couldn't have anyone in the room with me.. double ugh). We talked about what the next week or so would look like and when it would be safe for us to try for another. That was kind of it. I figured after a while, this would all go away.
They took one more round of labs, (I lost count but I think this was the fourth...? fifth time?) and scheduled one more round of labs in another week.
A couple of days later, I received a call from the nurse saying that my levels had spiked, and that I would need to come in for a methotrexate shot for a possible ectopic pregnancy. For those of you who don't know, methotrexate is a FREAKING CANCER DRUG!! I was so confused. During my appointment they told me everything was normal; that my uterus and ovaries were clear of any fluid or tissue. So now they were telling me it was an ectopic and I needed a freaking cancer drug to help "rid" my body of any remaining tissue. I freaked. No way. And here's the kicker, she also told me that my lab from the Tuesday appointment wasn't even in yet. But they had just told me it had spiked? I was majorly confused.
I told the nurse we were going out of town and I wouldn't be able to get the shot until we got back. She said that I needed to be careful; any pain I needed to go to the emergency room. By this time, we were already in the truck headed to Oklahoma for our anniversary trip. I'd deal with all Monday.
Well as the day progressed, the pain started. It was dull at first, but progressively got worse. We had made our way to Pawhuska, Oklahoma, current home of Ree Drummond, The Pioneer Woman. During our trip, my pain got worse. To the point as we were sitting eating ice cream, I was brought to tears. We decided it was best to cut our trip short and head home. I felt horrible, and I was so mad at myself for ruining our trip.
My mom suggested I call the on-call doctor to see if there were anything I could do. The doctor immediately told me that if they suspected an ectopic that I needed to go to the ER. Any chance of a ruptured ectopic, "you could bleed out. Many women have died from a ruptured ectopic." Wow, thanks for the reassurance.
So if you know anything about Pawhuska, it's like population, 3,000. So probably not a big hospital, especially one that could handle an emergency such as an ectopic pregnancy. The closet hospital was Tulsa. We thought that was our best bet, so we drove an hour south. We got to the "top rated hospital" in Tulsa, to find mass chaos. The waiting room was overflowing. People were legit being triaged in the waiting room, getting IVs and all. One lady said that some people had been waiting since 9 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING to be seen! There was even a man who came in and seemed to be extremely distressed. None of the staff paid him any attention. We quickly decided that if we had to wait that long here, we might as well drive back to KC. At least we would be closer to home, and they'd be able to pull up my recent labs and ultrasound. So we made the four+ hour drive BACK to Kansas City.
We made it to St. Luke's around 10 p.m. When we got to the emergency room, there was only one other person in front of me. Otherwise, the waiting room was completely empty. THIS was more like it. After getting checked in, we were sitting in the waiting room, waiting to go back, when a security office approached us. He informed us that there was a zero visitor policy. Meaning, Drew couldn't be with me in the waiting room, or back in the emergency room. We both were crushed. Drew went to the truck, and I waited to go back.
Eventually they were able to get me to a room. After explaining the last few weeks, they drew MORE lab, and did yet another ultrasound. They found that my hCG levels had dropped quite a bit, and the ultrasound was clear. My fallopian tubes were normal, my uterus, my ovaries, oh, and even my kidneys. I have a history of kidney stones, so on the off chance it might be a stone, they checked those too. Nothing. They had no clue what was causing my pain other than some residual effects of the miscarriage.
The ER doctor had been on the phone several times with the on-call OB. She still insisted I get the shot, however the ER doc said it was ultimately my decision (since my labs were going down). This shot, while it may help with an ectopic, it has some major side effects. For one, I wouldn't be able to get pregnant again for at least the next three months. Meaning I would have to go back on birth control to eliminate the possibility of pregnancy. It also can effect my liver. We already have a family history of liver issues, so that also was terrifying. I would also have to quit nursing. Other side effects include nausea and bleeding.
The ER doctor suggested I hold off on the shot; have my labs checked again to see if the levels are going down, and then make a decision. I appreciated his honesty and input. I was finally discharged at about 5 o'clock in the morning with the diagnosis of "lumbar pain." We made it home about 6 a.m., and immediately hit the hay. I think we both slept until about one in the afternoon.
Now it was about healing and resting. I have not had any more pain. And as of time of publication, I have not received the injection.
Healing and Self-Care
Needless to say, these last six weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster. I am forever grateful to have such an amazing support system to help get me through this experience. To my husband, Drew, for being a shoulder for me to cry on, wrapping me in his arms as he tried to console my pain. Thank you. Thank you for the flowers, bath bomb, and chocolate. Thank you for waiting in the cold, in your truck in the middle of the night. You never left me even when I insisted you go get a hotel room. Thank you for loving me through life's ups and downs. Thank you for loving me through the hurt and the pain, and not giving up on me.
Thank you to my mom for also being there to hug me and wipe my tears. For driving me to my doctor's appointment, and always being there to advocate for my health.
To my mother-in-law for watching Henry and helping him pick flowers. To my sister-in-law for checking in on me, and my aunt for also helping watch Henry. Thank you all for loving me, and being there for me.
As I began the healing process, I took a lot of hot baths, listened to my favorite podcasts and read a few books. I needed to feel like myself again. And after a few weeks, I did. At least physically.
Just Please Stop Asking
But emotionally and mentally, I felt like a different person. Every time I see a pregnancy announcement on social media, my heart twinges. Hearing the news of Chrissy Teigen and the loss of their baby Jack, was heartbreaking. Having someone ask when we were going to have baby number two, was devastating. I wanted to scream! If you only knew what I was silently going through!!!
I know pregnancy and having a baby are super exciting, but for a woman struggling to get pregnant, to stay pregnant, whatever the case, these things can be like salt to the wound. As sincere as you might think you are being, please be cautious with your words.
For one, please stop asking about when to expect a baby. And if you know she is going through a miscarriage, here's a few things NOT to say.
Things You Should Not Say to a Woman Experiencing a Miscarriage:
At least you know you can get pregnant.
Fortunately, you weren't that far along.
You can try again.
It wasn't really a baby - not that early.
Note: As a Catholic, I am a firm believer that life begins at conception. A baby is a baby.
What to Say to a Woman Experiencing a Miscarriage:
I'm Sorry.
Is there anything I can do to comfort you?
Do you want a hug?
That's it. Please do not try to minimize the situation. And if they want to talk about it, let them talk about it! Don't make them feel like it's shameful. She did nothing wrong and your comments shouldn't make her feel worse.
Not Alone
I recently decided to share our story on social media. On October 15th, I shared a photo of the candle we lit as part of the International Wave of Light, a day of remembrance of babies lost too early. The amount of support was honestly overwhelming. I have had so many people reach out to me to share their stories. To share their love and support and to let us know we are not alone. I've been praised for speaking up and sharing my story. While that was not my goal, my hope is to let others know we are here for each other. My hope is to lessen the stigma of pregnancy loss; why must be suffer in silence?
Thank you all for the prayers and kind words. These two pictures are from my aunt Jeanne. Thankful for all the prayers for our sweet angel.
When the Time is Right
This last month I have had a lot go through my head. What if I hadn't wanted this pregnancy so badly. What if I hadn't took a test so early, would I have even known I was pregnant? What if...what...if..
In case you are wondering, I have deleted my Ovia app. Not that it doesn't work - it actually does if you follow it correctly - I just want to take the stress out of trying. It will happen when the time is right. God's Plan.
For now, I focus on the positive. I am thankful to be healthy; I have a beautiful family, and amazing support system. I'm SO grateful to my understanding boss who let me work from home while I healed.
To my husband, who has been there for me every step of the way, I love you and I am forever grateful for you. I'm sorry if I've failed you, our family in some way. You have never given up on me.
I am grateful I have a beautiful boy who is growing before my eyes. Henry is my pride and joy, and someday I hope we can give him a sibling. For now, I will take comfort in his sweet little voice singing, "All night, all day, angels watching over me my Lord..."
And to my angel baby, I will always think of who you might have been. And I will always hold a special place in my heart for you.
I am a firm believe that everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure what that reason is yet, and I may never know. But I do know this, please be kind to each other, and please never ask a woman when she is going to have a baby. You just never know the silent battle someone is facing.
Lauren
XOXO
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